A Budding Intellectual's Quest

Relocated!

2010-01-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

svetlanaa.posterous.com

Greatness awaits me

2009-08-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

Today I submitted my last secondary application, which had the most essays to write and the most painful to write about i.e. healthcare reform. I tried to do some research before sitting down to write and yet everywhere I looked, things seemed as ambiguous as the term itself. I decided that a. this question was very personal to ask on a secondary application and, b. there's no right answer. So I came up with an equally as ambiguous answer but with a more positive spin: change means discovery and innovations so let's embrace it! In the end, I am skeptical that any reform will take place and hopefully medicine continues to expand without the government completely ruining things.

As for now, I am free. And yes, greatness awaits me.

Less than a week to go

2009-05-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

June 2nd is when the AMCAS, otherwise known as the American Medical College Application Service, officially opens for submission. It made the application available online on May 5th for fellow medical school applicants such as myself to have a head start at completing it. The AMCAS website has been at the top of my "Most Visited" for the last 3 weeks as I have gained full profiency at navigating it. And yet, as the days count down, I still feel very, very, nervous. I have reviewed the application several times, printed it out and reviewed it again fearing that something is mispelled or incorrectly indicated. I keep thinking that once I press that submit button on June 2nd, that there is no turning back but just rolling down a very steep hill. I will only have 3-4 weeks of breathing room during which I should be researching the schools and coming up with answers to possible essay questions in the secondary applications.

Secondary applications you ask?

Why, yes, 23 secondary applications from 23 different schools. You see, the AMCAS application serves as a common application where it collects all of your demographics including coursework, extracurriculars and MCAT scores to make them available to all of the schools that you must indicate an interest in. I have indicated 23 schools. Upon verification of the application, which happens during the 3-4 week break that I mentioned, each school then sends out its own application through which they are trying to get a more complete picture of you as a candidate. These secondary applications are more often than not sent out automatically without a screening process. Therefore, your full application is not considered complete until the AMCAS is submitted, the secondary is completed and your recommendation letters are sent out.

All of this must be done ASAP. This is due to the rolling admissions that each school participates in which means first come, first serve. So, there is a lot of work ahead to be done in a very short amount of time. But first, I will be enjoying my 3 week break with a trip to Boston/L.A. and then an adventure in NYC with my best friend! And also, thinking about the dreadful secondary essay questions.

Home sweet home

2009-05-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Once considered a true New Yorker with the attitude and all, I find myself not wanting to take up the New York pace and walk busily down the streets that I once was so proud of. Now, I find myself strolling down busy intersections as I search my way towards the DMV to renew my learner's permit. After a few moments of being slightly lost but refusing to ask for directions, I finally ended up stopping near a law office and stealing their wi-fi so I could look up the address again, which I initially refused to write down. The DMV is very comparable to an immigration office, 4 different lines to wait on for at least half an hour, a multitude of foreigners conversing in their native tongue and a slew of angry, uptight government workers who have the power to ruin your life forever. I, thankfully, only stood in line for two hours and was greeted by the friendlier workers and received my interim permit without any delay.

After leaving the DMV, all I wanted to do was go home to Queens. I did not want to stick around the city or go shopping or grab a bite to eat or meet up with friends. All I wanted to do was to go back to the peaceful and calm streets of Queens without the hustle and bustle of the work day. This never happened to me, especially after spending 40min on the train just to get to midtown; I never used to be so "lame". Thanks Boston.

Or maybe I'm just getting old and lazy and really just want to enjoy the outdoors which do not include busy sidewalks and people trying to sell me something at every corner. I am not sure how long it will be before I start hating Queens, which I do know will happen sooner than later. But for now I'll take in some fresh air and the sweet sound of birds in the morning rather than the sound of morning rush hour traffic.

Looking back

2009-03-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

I love re-reading older posts that I have written because it gives me a chance to look back at what my thought process was at the time and where my priorities in life lay. I came upon one thought that I sort of put back in the back of my mind and hoped that it would resurface at the opportune time. Here it is:

"I would like to do something completely different and cool, something I will not get a chance to do once I am in Medical School. So I am on yet another mission, a mission to something absolutely fabulous during my year of freedom. Ideas are welcome." -published in Co-op kills the human spirit

I am determined to something fabulous during my year off, whether it means traveling or learning a new language or having some odd job, I want it to be cool.

A week of revelations

2009-03-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's time to take care of business. Things have a way of working themselves out and as a painful as some of them might be, I suppose all lessons, good and bad, are a part of life. I have decided to move back home to NYC and work on some unfinished business like finally get a driver's license and enjoy some time with my family while I still have the time. I also will work full time on my applications to med schools which are time consuming and important to complete as early as possible. So far, I have narrowed it down to 30 schools which I am thinking about and that means 2 or 3 additional essays are required as part of the secondary application for each school. I suppose I will become really good at writing. I am ready to take whatever necessary steps to get myself into medical school because medicine is the only thing I want to be doing.

A high note

2009-03-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

Today, I was told or written to again, via email that I am brilliant and will make a "damn fine doctor someday."

I like the sound of that much better. Let the journey continue then to doctorville...

What a low blow

2009-03-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I was told or rather written to, that I need to work on my people skills. That I can be "caustic in my attitude" and need to soften my bedside manner if I want to succeed in medicine.

I refuse to conform in order to stroke others' ego.

There's a reason why Ayn Rand is one of my favorite authors. Please refer to Atlas Shrugged for more details.

How I loathe public transportation!

2009-02-10T19:21:00.000-08:00

Since relocating to JP, I have been resigned to taking public transportation to get to my daily destinations. I, no longer, can go to class for an hour, come back to my apt within 15min walking distance, grab lunch, go back to class and jet to yoga for the 545 session with Gregor. No, I can no longer to do that. Instead, I wait for the orange line train for 15 min only to be greeted with an out-of-service train and then resort to waiting another 1omin for the next available train that may or may not be in-service, arrive to class late, then come back home hopefully within 30-40min, attempt to go to yoga but instead arrive late after passing 30minutes on a bus ride that should take 10min with 2 screaming children yelling at the top of their lungs.

I spend a lot of time on a train or a bus thinking about how I really need to get my driver's license and get some wheels.

Winter is not my season

2009-01-21T10:58:00.001-08:00

I know some people strongly believe that they function better in the season that they are born but I, however, am certainly not a winter person. In fact, I really do not like winter or snow or snow related sports/activities. I don't like wearing heavy winter clothes, bundling up just to enjoy some fresh air or truck along in heavy boots just to continue my daily activities. I don't like stepping outside after having put on 5 different layers of clothing, scarf, hat and gloves walking a few blocks, plopping into a store just to have to undress again and bearing the heat that rushes into my body. I don't like sweating while I walk and then being hit by a cold gust of wind. I also feel very tense during the winter because I have to constantly convince myself that the cold is not affecting me. And for some reason, it always feels like winter lasts much longer than the other seasons. It just can't end when it's supposed to.

Looking forward to warmer days, whenever they feel like making an appearance.

What may this new year bring?

2009-01-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

This is a question that many people ask themselves and try to set certain goals, resolutions for the new year as if a new calendar year is supposed to erase all the past mistakes and restart our lives. In reality though, we are just continuing on our path, same path as before just the day count restarted. We still carry our baggage from the years before, still trying to lose those 1olbs, finish school, play guitar, get into medical school, etc. A year is too short to reflect upon and evaluate our lives. Almost all significant accomplishments take longer than a year to achieve and it seems repetitive and almost depressing to think we are still in the same place as we have been a year ago.

At the turn of this new year, 2009, I haven't really felt like this is the year that my life will be changing significantly even though they are many things that will no longer be the same next year. All these changes, I sort of have been putting aside and trying not to think about them in hopes of some magical resolution to occur with no help of my own. Graduating from college is one of those really big changes that most people look forward to with a perfect post-graduation job lined up or with several acceptance letters in their hands trying to decide on a perfect graduate school. People will even go out of their way to contact you just to see what your post-graduation plans are because everyone has to know how they match against you. You'll get inquiries from people you haven't spoken to for 3-4 years asking what you have been up to, where will you be going and when. They need to know because they want to know that they are either doing better or on par with you. They have no real interest in what the next 5 years of your life will bring but will have the satisfaction of beating you at a game called life.

So for now, I suppose I have the next 4 months to come with a plan to not disappoint the curious folks. As for a New Year's resolution, I have decided to do something realistic and that is to read more. I have about 4 books that I have not finished and I will strive to finish them off no matter how painful it will be.

Ambivalence rears its ugly head

2008-11-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

Today I received yet another postcard from one of my closest friends who is studying/working abroad. This one was from Stockholm and I will happily add it to my list of ones from Amsterdam, Barcelona, Budapest, etc. Every time I get that precious piece of mail, I expect one each time that she jets to another country, I am reminded of how much I love traveling and wish to be alongside my best friend exploring different geographical masses of the world. And yet, I am here in Boston, working aimlessly for no real good reason except to pay rent and support my semi-lavish style.

I remember when I had just come back from Argentina, I had this incredible feeling of lightness and detachment from the daily grind that most of us are forced to deal with. I remember feeling that I wanted to travel forever and never have to settle down. I was sure that I would conjure up ways to be abroad and traveling once again. But then I slowly started to lose that feeling of freedom and started to become comfortable again and decided to graduate a year later, where is the rush I thought? I signed a year-long lease, accepted furniture from a friend to take care of/use, and of course, how can I ever again leave the one thing that I love most in this world, Edwin, my cat. Besides Edwin, now there's a new someone in my life to love, who I have tried to keep at a distance but at the same time loved every time we got closer emotionally and now there is no going back. I never realized before how comforting it feels to be able to settle down in a cute apartment with cute furniture in a place that I now call home, Boston. However, as graduation approaches and I keep receiving lovely reminders of how much of the world I still have not seen, I am forced to ask myself questions that don't have simple answers and frankly, that I do not want to answer. I just want to be able to take my little bubble of comfort with me everywhere I go.

The nerd gene

2008-11-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

Science is cool.

I have always thought that regardless of certain daily nuisances that I have to deal with in the lab such as equipment malfunction, lack of better resources, impossible data that is expected, etc. As much as I like to complain, for some reason, I tend to constantly involve myself in science whether it's working at different labs or attending conferences or trying to read a million research papers at once. I get really excited about ideas, I love to talk about the possibilities and when it comes down to working in a lab or accomplishing some great feat, I get stuck in a role which is not how I imagined it and become completely jaded about the scientific world. And then I attend a neuroscience conference and meet scientists in the field who are enthusiastic about the possibilities of science and realize that I have not been performing up to my potential. I start to realize how I have not read a research paper in over a month and have not progressed my knowledge regarding my topic of study beyond what is expected of me which is very minimal . I have been stuck in this funk of going to work 9-5 and doing the same thing I have been doing for the past 3 months. I am not learning or discovering anything new and the results that I am producing seem to be inconclusive. However, being at the conference today, I became really excited about science again but in a different way. I am slowly starting to realize why it is that I want to become a medical doctor as opposed to earning a PhD. I have a constant urge for new and exciting challenges to overcome. I want to be able to be presented with a problem and methodically think my way to the answer. I need constant intellectual stimulation or else I will just be bored and unhappy as I am in my current position. I am hoping that the world of medicine will provide for me a continuous flow of problems to be resolved.

Writer's Block

2008-11-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

I have never been a creative writer but I was able to always complete the task that I was presented with, answering a specific question or critiquing a piece of literature or even filling this blog with my ramblings. Lately, however, I have been trying to get myself to write about myself i.e.a personal statement. Yet another task, but for some reason I am all out of ideas or inspiration. In an attempt to rekindle some kind of spark, I started to re-read past correspondence from mentors or even past essays that I written a few years ago. As I was re-reading, I was amazed at how naive and inspired I used to be or rather portrayed myself in writing. I talked about goals and plans and thought I had everything figured out. Now after almost 5years of college, I am fresh out of ideas and completely jaded about the world. I, no longer, feel like embellishing my work experience or writing about how unique I am because honestly, as I get older there are more and more people that have done the exact same things as I did.

I never realized that writing my personal statement would be as hard as it is and remains to be the only thing that is missing from my application checklist.

Getting back into this

2008-09-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

I must start writing again.

Co-Op kills the human spirit.

2008-08-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

It has been a almost a month since I have been on Co-Op* and already I feel so tired and sucked out of all motivation to do fun-spirited things. For some reason I delude myself into thinking that working a 9-5 job will give more freedom and opportunity to do things I always talk of doing such as playing guitar, reading more books, learning a new language, etc. This past month, I have not touched my guitar once, I read 1opgs of a book and am not closer to being Hebrew proficient. This is it, I think to myself at the start of a new work week, this week I will do glorious things.

On second thought, I did start a new series of tango classes, more advanced than last time. I also went to see an awesome performance by Gogol Bordello, helped host and cook for a fabulous party, saw the French film festival, ate out almost every day(the Co-Op helps in financing my fun-filled activities), danced at Dancing on the Charles, went to the ICA for Anish Kapoor and Sol Melodiq's performance and had time to go home to see the parents. So I suppose not being preoccupied by homework and school does free up a lot of time and maybe Co-Op isn't as evil as I'm making it out to be. For some reason I always have this need to have a goal to strive towards. With the completion of the MCATs, I no longer feel like I'm doing something important and for this reason try to fill my life with small tasks to accomplish. However, these tasks do not suffice and lately I have been on a mission to figure my life out after graduation. I have decided that I cannot be stuck working for a whole year at a meaningless job getting paid $12/hr after having completed a B.S. in Behavioral Neuroscience. I would like to do something completely different and cool, something I will not get a chance to do once I am in Medical School. So I am on yet another mission, a mission to something absolutely fabulous during my year of freedom. Ideas are welcome.

* Co-Op: six month internships completed for credit.

Soaking it in

2008-07-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

It has been several days now since I received my MCAT scores and I still cannot believe that I got a 31. Granted it is not the 32 that I was hoping for but it is pretty close and I believe it is a good enough score to apply with. But I am not applying just yet, I've decided to wait until next year so I can be part of the first applicant pool and have everything ready. So now that the MCAT is over and done with, what's next? Well, that is the question that seems to be on everyone's mind including mine. I suppose now I research the schools and try to figure out the topic for my personal statement. I will also have a year off before medical school and I am excited to come up with ideas on how to fill it. Some ideas revolve around traveling to Israel and learning Hebrew, or to start work and chip away at my student loan balance. Whatever, I choose to do I am excited to finally look ahead and beyond the life of MCAT.

Trip of a Lifetime

2008-07-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

I never really knew what to expect from my birthright trip so I just went with my eyes closed expecting the minimum. With several days post my return from Israel, I am left with a feeling that I have just experienced something truly special. A connection to my past, engagement with my present and an outlook on the future.

The entire trip went by really quick, especially in Israel, going from one place to the next, we were filled with immense amounts of information and captured some amazing views. Everyday was a great adventure with forty other Jews packed in a bus, touching base with some of the most incredible sites that Israel has to offer. The best part was feeling a sense of belonging, knowing that I am in a place that Jews can finally call home and will do anything to protect it. This sense of unconditional patriotism was felt in every city that we passed through among every type of individual. As part of the birthright experience, we were joined by 8 Israeli soldiers who were in the same age range, even younger. These soldiers who were just like us, young and unsure of the world must serve in the army for three years before they can make any life changing decisions. I remember asking one the soldiers if he could have a choice of not serving which would he choose and the answer was simple, "I cannot imagine having a choice."

I was surprised by this answer and could not understand it for some time until I realized that service in the army is part of being an Israeli just like voting and being a good citizen. These young soldiers do not question their obligation to serve in the army because they realize the importance of demonstrating their allegiance to their country. That soldier was the same age as me and here I was finishing up my undergrad degree while he was just finishing his service and thinking about career options. At the end of my degree I am left to face the reality and pay of my accrued loans while he was just being opened to all of the possibilities that the world has to offer.

Contrary to popular belief, Israel is more than a nation which prides itself in its military aspects but also is one of the most beautiful places I have laid eyes on thus far. Such a small patch land filled different varieties of climate and vegetation, it harvests many coveted jewels of the world. The beautiful still water of the Sea of Galilee, the valleys of the Golan Heights, Mediterranean coast, minerals of the Dead Sea and the beautiful mountain ranges of Jerusalem. It is hard to believe that all of these things are within a 4hour drive. Our trip itinerary was packed with sites and it was difficult to absorb all these places in just a week but it was a good taste of what the country has to offer. I definitely plan on returning as soon as I learn some Hebrew so I can truly immerse myself in the culture.

As for now, I am left with a lifetime of memories and 40 new Jew friends, a lot more than I ever imagined having.

The Hardest Part

2008-06-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

For the past three days, I have had a knot in my stomach. A painful feeling that probably is never going to go away. The last three days, I have spent time in Poland, visiting the sites where the Holocaust took place. Visiting concentration camps in Aushwitz and Majdanek have left me speechless and filled with tears. Today, at Majdanek, was the toughest. This extermination camp where the objective was to eliminate all of the Jews that were considered to have infected the Germany society of the 1900's like microbes do was one of the few camps which the Germans were not able to destroy before the Soviet liberation of the prisoners. Walking through the baracks, passing through the room where the Jews were told to undress and pass into the showers, then the room in which thousands of Jews would pass through and be poisoned by just a can of Cyclon B gas, a cyanide compound. Then we stopped in the room in which all the bodies were collected and later cremated in the ovens that they had set up for burning people. Walking through that barack, with structures fully intact, hearing the lost voices of the dead, I was angry. I was scared and I couldn't help but cry. We stopped in that last room and a thought passed through my head. What if we were never able to get out of that barack like thousands of prisoners?

I am thankful for every day that I have been blessed to live.

Embracing the inner Jew

2008-06-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

For every young Jewish person, turning 18 marks a significant point in their life, they can finally embark on their birthright trip to Israel. The trip, all payed for by Taglit-birthright, provides the perfect opportunity for all the young Jewish people to get together and network. The age range for young participants is 18-25 but most go as soon as they turn 18. I am 22 and have finally gathered up enough Jewish spirit to finally embark on my coming of age journey.

The umbrella organization, Taglit, receives private donations to cover the expenses of the trip and allots the money to 20 trip organizing companies. I have decided to go with International March of Living because included as part of our trip is a visit to Poland for 5 days to view the past Jewish life and 10 days in Israel to celebrate the present and the future life of the Jewish state. This is an exciting opportunity since all expenses are paid and the itinerary is planned out for you(extra cost for Poland though). All one is expected to do is just embrace the inner Jew and hold hands and sing songs.

As excited as I am to learn some Hebrew songs as well as see one of the most beautiful countries, I am slightly nervous about my peers that will be joining me. I am realizing now that I will probably be part of the older range and surrounded by the overly jubilant 18year olds. I am also expected to meet "the perfect Jewish boy" who is supposed to sweep me off my feet, this is according to my mom and a few of my friends. However, as the usual skeptic I am not so sure there exists a person who is Jewish and perfect, I would even say that the use of those two words together creates an oxymoron. But I did not sign up on this trip to meet the perfect guy, as appealing as that might sound. I signed up to learn about Jewish life in Israel and discover the many wonders of Israel. This two week trip is also the perfect getaway from life that revolves around the MCAT.

Is it over?

2008-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

Well, after much built up anxiety and stress, the test was finally taken. When I got seated into that chair, so many thoughts were running through my head and then the exam just started. And just like that, it was over 5 hours later. Unfortunately, I didn't get my score right away as I usually would with practice tests. But I definitely felt like I could have done better. I remember just going through the exam, thinking this is not my best performance, I have done better. I even considered canceling the score. But I stuck with it and we'll see what comes out of it. I am assuming nothing spectacular so I have decided to continue studying and aim to take it again in August even though it is frowned upon. The way I see it though, I might as well try as many times as I can because I know I will not get in with an average score so why not show the schools that I don't just give up and that I will not be defeated. So the journey continues and a great MCAT score is still my #1 priority.

Just a taste

2008-06-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and it is hot. It's not only hot but it's incredibly humid. This sudden onset of heat wave has created a dilemma for a foodie such as myself: it's too hot to cook! However, a girl's gotta eat and I love cooking, so I have been on the hunt for the perfect summer recipes. Unfortunately, I am not a very patient person to be scrolling through pages and pages of recipes on the web so I briefly looked over some recipes and decided that a lot of vegetables will have to be included.

A few recipes I have made:

Fried Sesame Tofu with Grilled Asparagus and Couscous

- Use firm tofu and dry it with paper towels
- Cut the tofu into cube shapes and batter it with flour and sesame seeds if available
- Use sesame oil and cook tofu shapes in a medium size pan until golden brown
- Place asparagus in a deep cooking sheet, drizzle olive oil and salt/pepper
- Cook asparagus for 10min in the oven or 5 min in the broiler
- Boil salted water, add cup of couscous and take of fire while covering the pot

Beet and Green Apples with Chevre goat cheese Salad

- Boil the beets for an hr until fully cooked
- Cut up 1 apple per beet in lovely cubes
- Cut up the the Chevre without completely devouring it
- Add a green leaf either spinach or field greens
- Finish with a drizzle of EVOO and salt/pepper
** I purchased smoked salmon because I am Jew and love lox and added a couple of pieces to salad which completed the salad but not necessary**

Delicious Turkey Burger

- I used dark ground turkey meat because I wanted a good tasting burger
- 1lb of ground turkey, some chopped onions, garlic, bread crumbs, 1 egg and spices you have
- Mix it and separate into patties, I covered the patties with some flour so they would be golden brown when cooked
- Place in large size pan with a non-sticking agent
- Cook on each side flipping as few times as possible
Cooking time: 25-30 min for well done burgers
- I had some broccoli and zucchini lightly grilled days before which went great cooled with the burger and onion slices

Enjoy!

Last Minute Thoughts

2008-06-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

With the exam just 4 days away, I have started to reflect on the past 5 months that I have spent preparing for the MCAT. I think back to the last time I studied for the exam and how prepared I felt, how well I did. I realized that I really did put a great effort this time than I ever have before. I conscientiously took the time to study, come to the library every day, take practice tests, limit my social life, etc. The last 6 weeks revolved solely around the MCAT and nothing more. Since the exam is so close, every one keeps asking me how I feel. Am I ready? Am I nervous? How will I do? The answer is yes, yes and I have no idea. However, all I know and am sure of is that I did my best this time around preparing for it. No more excuses like I did not have enough time, I was too distracted or that I had more important things to think about. I have no excuses to fall back on after I take this test and I can confidently say that I gave it my best shot.

Whatever the result will be, I know that I will become a doctor some way or another.

Practice makes perfect

2008-06-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

With only 10 days left before the exam, I have concluded that the only thing left to do is just practice. So I have decided to take a practice exam every day before the actual exam. I am on the 4th practice day and as each day ends and the new one begins I am faced with the task of taking a practice exam. There still exists a lot of anxiety associated with the exam and I figure the more I practice, the more confident I will be. The worst part are the thoughts I have associated with just taking the practice tests. If I do well on one practice, there's a pressure to do equally well or better on the next. Then I start to believe that there is a certain ritual I have to follow before I can start an exam. It is like a shooting a free throw, you know how to do it, you've done it million times before but if you don't take the three dribbles you normally would take, the ball will not go in.

Once again, I cannot help but think of something my yoga instructor says about doing a wheel position for example. He constantly says, "no hesitation, just go up with the breath." Why is there a hesitation when we are attempting to do something hard? It's as if we are relying on other factors besides our strength to accomplish a task. The whole point of practicing is to strength ourselves so that when the not-so-perfect conditions arise, we would not be affected by them. The task we practiced would become second nature and no amount of luck will stand in our way.

So as I sit here, on the 4th floor of the library which is supposed to the "quiet floor" and faced with the construction noise that is currently taking place, I am preparing myself for the worst testing conditions ever. I will become immune to noise and distraction. I will become the "MCAT machine."

Anxiety is building up....

2008-05-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

As each day goes by and the exam date nears, I seem to become filled with anxiety. I look over my planner to count the days and eye the exam date and I am overtaken by immense amount of anxiety, worry, stress and that awful feeling in your gut that churns your stomach and makes the little hairs on your arm stand up. I begin to realize that as I count down the days, I become more and more nervous for what awaits me after the test is done. I will either apply to medical school this year or will have to take it again, for the third time, which as medical schools point out is not encouraged. I keep telling myself that it is ok if I don't do well this time, the world doesn't end, I can take it again and try to calm myself with all of the possible cliches one can think of. But then I begin to realize, well, wait a minute, what if this is it? What if this is my last chance? What if I will never get into medical school if I don't get a good score? As much as I try to take the pressure off, it just keeps building up even higher.

I suppose my only relief from this overwhelming pressure is the realization that the world really does not end if I do not become a doctor. There are so many other things I can do. I can always go to graduate school and get a PhD or even go to dental school and become a DDS. Maybe, even a physician's assistant school and do the same work the doctors do but get paid significantly less. Whatever the choice, the world does not end.

I went to another lab meeting today at the lab I will be working at after the MCATs and I really do enjoy being there and listening and contributing to ideas. So maybe I won't become the person to administer the drug to a patient, but at least I can be the person behind the mechanism development of the action of that drug. That would be just as cool. And as thoughts of endless possibilities, flow into my mind, I slowly begin to feel relief from the pressure that has been building up for the past four years.

Random as can be

2008-05-20T08:47:00.000-07:00

I have always known that the admission process is designed to be as hard as possible and is intent on weeding out the weak and highlighting the creme de la creme. But I never truly realized just how random it can get. I always assumed that as long as you play by the rules, you're bound to get some school out there agreeing to take you under their wing and make a doctor out of you. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Not only do the MCATS and GPA matter but also your recommendations, your research experience, your personal statement, the date of submission of your application, your permanent residence and the list goes on. All of these factors come into play and eventhough there are stats posted about the probability of being accepted to medical school, there still exists the random factor, which no one dares to speak of. Knowing that your acceptance is also based on the luck of a draw is the scariest thing in the world because once you apply and don't have luck on your side, the doors are shut for you. There is no re-applying because you've already been branded with the label of re-applicant. Even on the websites of some schools, it states: it is strongly discouraged to reapply.

So when can one apply? How good is good enough? And how much luck is anyone guaranteed at any point in time?

The World's Greatest Race

2008-05-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

The world's greatest race is the ambition to be a doctor. And not just any doctor with a PhD but a doctor of medicine, M.D. What is so special about being a medical doctor and why do I want to become one? That is hurdle #1004 that I must overcome in order to inch closer to the finish line. Entering my freshman year at college, I remember the first thing I did was meet with the Pre-Med Advisor just to let him know that I do not really need my undergrad degree because I will be going to medical school, a much superior option.

I got started early getting ready for medical school as I printed out the checklist that the AAMC provides for aspiring medical candidates. The checklist was divided into four sections, one for every year of my undergrad career and had specific instructions on what must be accomplished by each time mark. It went something like, " Take prerequisites, get good grades, obtain summer internship, get recommendations, work in a lab, start a research project..." The list was at least 4 pages long and I followed it. I knew that if I just paced myself and took my time, I wouldn't be scrabbling for recommendations like every other student two months before submitting my application. And to help me organize my "medical school portfolio" is of course the so-intelligent pre-med committee, which has undergone faculty overturn almost every year. I trusted the system and was sure that they were here to help me. However, instead of helping me and making the process simpler, they just keep adding more hurdles. I received an email stating that one of my recommendations that I received 2 years ago from the chief of psychiatry at Bellevue hospital, might not be used because it doesn't have a confidentiality form attached to it.

Let me explain how important it is for letters to be confidential. They are worth nothing if they are not deemed so because the recepient will think that you and the recommender sat down over coffee and wrote your letter together! Well, I was pissed when I got that email. The sad part is that a stupid little form decides if the letter was confidential not the blatant fact that it was sent to that god-forsaken office in a sealed envelope with my hands never touching the letter. I have no idea what was written about me and yet it is not confidential. Unfortunately, as the secretary for the pre-med committe put it, the letter was written 2 years ago and it is very doubtful that I can reach my recommender now.

I feel like there is this tipping scale that I am on which senses that "uh-oh I am getting closer to the finish line than anyone else" so it adds even more complications just so I do not think it will get any easier. And it doesn't get easier. I know this from the many people in medicine that I've spoken to. As they say, the MCAT is one of many times you will be tested of your worth as a medical professional. And as soon as you fail to pass the test, there will be thousands of people behind you covetting your spot. Why do so many people want to be doctors? What is so prestigious about an M.D. degree? I need to answer that question soon in a form of a personal statement.

Side note: just received an email from my advisor, the letter can still be used. But that just means that I remain in the same spot I was yesterday without any advancement.

Frustration

2008-05-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Today I took another practice test after spending the past 4 days in the library studying for Physics and Chemistry. I got through the section and I thought I did better. Well as it turns and I have found this to be true many times, the better you feel after a section, the worse you probably did! I did not do better but I did not get any worse so I suppose that is something to be happy about it. I left the library, sluggish, drenched of energy and with a huge feeling of disappointment. How can I continue without realizing that perhaps I will not get better this?

The only thing that gives me any type of relief is doing yoga. I have been an avid yoga-goer for the past month and a half and every time I go, I feel myself getting stronger, flexible and less stressed. There's something that one of the instructors tell us which I cannot help but apply to this MCAT situtation. He says, " every practice is different and each time you will have to go a bit farther than you did before." Well, I can be more comfortable not studying and not taking practice tests but then I will just be at the same point in my life afraid of a challenge. I tell myself, 'yes this is hard and painful' and it definitely hurts my ego but I know that I don't want to be average. I don't want to go through life looking for shortcuts and being comfortable all the time. Some people run marathons, I choose to succeed at the MCATS. Both require hard work, hard work and hard work.

Organization Mode

2008-04-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

I am in Organization Mode.

This is a stage in which one is in desperate need of ORDER. It is a point at which one goes to the bookstore to buy pens, pencils, highliters, new binder to organize notes into with dividers, flashcards, etc. It is a phase in which one gets organized by buying organizing materials and nonsensically spending time making complicated material look pretty and organized!

Today marks the first day of my "official" MCAT studying time. By "official" I mean that there are no classes to think about, no other tests to study for and no one standing in the way between me and that horrendous test. Hopefully today, I will get past my organization mode and actually start studying.

There is a guy in the library that I see every day with his perfectly stacked highliters, color coordinated note cards, color coordinate book marks in his books and all I think about when I see him is this man is ready to work! What is it about obtaining order that deters one from doing any actual work? This can apply to cleaning compulsively which I often do, doing laundry, putting my room in order, etc. All of those activities can be considered procrastination devices but are they really the same as surfing the net, facebook, craigslist, news blogs? According to one of my professors, we all procrastinate but there is something that's called constructive procrastination. It entails performing a mechanistic activity during which our brains can think and put our thoughts into order so after such activity we can just sit down and begin to do work. It's almost like performing an outline in our brain that should be followed as soon as we're ready to do work. However, this only works if we carry out activities such as cleaning, organizing, etc. that do not require for our brains to think about anything but the task ahead.

I, on the other hand, like to surf the web, read news bloggs, browse through med schools to apply to and just adds tasks to the to-do list. However, from today on, I need to concentrate. This means taking this MCAT studying seriously almost like a job: 9-5, 5days/week and no surfing the web! I have 7 weeks until the exam and time is ticking.

I will start my "new job" tomorrow.

It's not getting any easier

2008-03-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

So another weekend passes, more information is thrown at me and all I can think of is am I really learning anything that I did not learn before. How will it be different this time around? As it seems to me, I am going to my painful MCAT sessions every Saturday and Sunday from 10am-430pm and all I get out of them is just how much more I have to memorize and remember that it might be on the MCAT. So is this what it takes to get into medical school, your capacity to memorize enormous amounts of information in a very small amount of time? Then are the MCATs a measure of your information retention rate(IRR) , the higher it is the greater the chances for succeeding in medical school? I feel like a greater part of my education has been spent memorizing things. I can remember back to as far 4th grade(my first grade in the US public school system) and how we would be applauded for memorizing the spelling and meaning of words, we would be awarded with little gold stars. Thinking back I never thought that I would never stop memorizing and the reward that I would get in return is admission to medical school.
What is the benefit in memorizing complicated vocabulary words that a fourth grader would never use until at least his high school years? There are thousands and thousands of words and we certainly do not have the storage capacity in our permanent memory for all those words. However, we are able to access a lot of information in such fast manner that it's surprising to realize that we do not have a neat little dictionary inside of our brains with alphabetized entries that we can just refer to anytime we want. There exists an economical, efficient processing system of language that we we seem to take for granted because it develops in such a subtle way. I mean who honestly cares what your child's second or third word is? All they want to know about is how old the child was when he uttered his first form of a word and what that utterance was. Everything that follows is no longer documented.
I suppose what I am getting at is I need a system similar to store all of these wonderful facts that I obtain in my MCAT sessions and then be able to access them very quickly and I will do exceptionally well on the MCATS. If only it were that easy!

Change is always good

2008-03-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Updates:

1. Paris was awesome.

2. I resumed drinking.

3. MCAT date change to June 13.

So a month has passed since my last post and I managed to visit an incredible city i.e. Paris, see my lovely best friend i.e. Brittany and manage to lose my camera i.e. Panasonic Lumix. Upon my return to the not so friendly reality, I have found myself swamped with work but more importantly closer and closer to Judgement Day, which as of half an hour ago, is now on June 13. An educated decision had to be made about whether I should move back my test date and even though I did much better on my most recent practice test, I realized that I have once again found myself crunched for time. As thoughts slowly creep into my head as to what the hell I will do if I fail the MCATs, I try to regroup and reorganize.

My plan of not drinking has failed miserably in Paris since wine is equivalent to water in the French land. So I have come to the realization that I am extremely weak when it comes to peer pressure and I will gladly submit to any bottle of red wine. However, I can still be found on my couch during most Friday and Saturday nights watching my current Netflix selection.

As for my schoolwork, it will be over soon and in approximately three weeks I will think of nothing but MCATS. O how glorious my life will be then! All I know is this is it. I cannot handle any more prep classes, over-anxious pre-med students and the born-again pre-med wannabees. I just want to get into whatever medical school will take me and settle into a life of prescribing anti-psychotics that do not work. And maybe now and then, jet over to the countryside of France and have a nice bottle of wine.

Jumped the gun

2008-02-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

So maybe I misjudged some of these extra-normal, overly enthusiastic, eager Harvard extension students. Maybe they are normal human beings just like me, preoccupied with the same concerns and possess similar weaknesses. Today, I did something new, I let myself go. I stopped judging and lowered myself from the not so humble cloud and let go. In the process, something flowed out of me, maybe it was my judgmental demeanor or perhaps my resentment for not being a Harvard student but it was gone. And what I found out was that Ivy-Leaguers are just as normal as the rest of us and they have feelings too! They also worry about doing well on the MCATS, they falter just like I do on the practice tests and they too want nothing more in this world but to get into medical school.

I like this "new" me.

One of a kind

2008-02-22T13:06:00.000-08:00

Another week passes and my MCAT progress is stalled due to the urgency of my other classes. I have told myself time and time again that I will make a true effort to put in 10hrs of MCAT studying a week, no matter what my school obligations are. So far this week I accomplished 3 and its already Friday. I try so hard to tell myself that the MCAT is the only thing I should think about and not to let any silly biochem quiz get in the way of it. But I cannot just ignore a class and not study. That is not how I am programmed. A lot of people talk about the stereotype pre-med student, I was even called one by my Animal Behavior instructor. "Oh, you're one of those," he told me as he asked what my post graduate plans were. I suppose he already knew that receiving a 75 on a test did not constitute doing well in the class. You might ask, what is the stereotypical pre-med student? Well, one that fights for every point on that test to get from an A- to an A just because those 2 little points do matter in the grand scheme of things. The typical pre-med student will load himself with the most difficult classes, be involved in student groups, assist in research and at the same time pull out a 3.8 gpa. But in the end, did he really learn anything?

I am trying to rid myself of that stereotype. I am trying to learn something regardless of what I get on the test. I want the information that I spent so much inputting into the precious brain of mine to actually STICK! I am good at memorizing, applying equations and doing most mathematical calculations. But how I wish that the two years that I spent taking Biology, Chemistry, Physics and Organic Physics were actually worth something. If they were worth something, I wouldn't be paying Princeton Money Making Review to help remember those things.

O well, I say. I guess better late than ever. So what if I'm 1oo thousand in the hole, I'm going to be a DOCTOR! Ha! My only backup plan is that I will be a doctor and that seems to be dwindling as the MCATS keep standing in the way. And there's that task of making oneself more unique and special than every other eager pre-med student. I know that I have succeeded when I speak to another applicant and see how I differ. Today, I have come to the realization that I'm still not there. Yea I'm in the 15th% of my class, I went abroad, I know three languages(kind of), I did research, I worked at hospitals, I have good recommendations, I did Co-Op, I am running out of breath. There are still so many kids just like me and I'm getting really tired and exhausted. I suppose the only thing that makes me different right now is that I really want to be good at what I do and I really want to be a true expert at something that I can call mine. Not just some know-it-all who knows a little bit about everything. I want to be good in my field.

I am starting to do my research in a field that I actually like and not because I want a recommendation or I really like the professor, but because I really care about what I will be doing. I realize that I probably should have done this 3 years ago but there was so many other factors that were driving me at that time and clouding my vision. I went to the first lab meeting today and I realized that I will actually enjoy going to lab for once and that I will care about what I am doing. I only wish that this had occurred sooner than later but then again everything happens for a reason. I even considered that perhaps I'm still not ready to apply to med school just yet. I am just realizing the person I want to be, how can I possibly answer the question of why I want to be a doctor for the rest of my life?

The same old song...

2008-02-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

Almost two weeks have passed since I have been an official customer of Princeton Review and I can regurgitate their lingo almost word for word. "Princeton Review will make you experts at taking the MCATs, just trust us." Well, I now know that the only person I can trust is ME because I will be the one that is making myself an expert at MCAT and I will be the one in that chair on test day determining the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I took yet another practice test and actually did worse than my diagnostic. I am not sure how that is possible since this time I actually was able to rationalize and use my test taking skills supplied to me by PR. But no, I did worse. It's hard not to dismiss the possibility that maybe I will never get my desired score. But then again, I did only start studying again and have 3 glorious months ahead of me! So I will keep memorizing my equations and doing my best. The only thing that really gets me down is my Verbal Score. Verbal section is A BITCH! It appears to be one of those reading comprehension sections but really it's complete daze to me. Every time I think that I do really well on it, I get the worst possible score. Somebody help me! Someone once told me that med schools look at your Verbal score to evaluate how you will do in med school. I am obviously in for a surprise.

The good news is that I will be going to Paris, France in two weeks. Obviously a week-long excursion to the most exquisite city in the world would never be recommended for anyone studying for the exam that can ruin your life but I am going to do this my way! I say that, seeing one of my favorite people in gorgeous Parisian land is just the thing I need. I am in need of some bossing around and guidance of a good friend.

And so it begins...

2008-02-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today was the first official day of my preparatory course courtesy of Princeton Review and it was held in the prestigious Sheraton Commander in Harvard Square. I must say that having a prep course in a hotel is pretty good bang for your buck! And being an expert of prep courses( having been subjected to them ever since I could remember), I would say that I am fairly satisfied with the way Princeton Review is so attentive to my comfort level. I had to arrive to the site at 9am and never having been there before, I gave myself plenty of time to find the place. Earlier that night, I even looked at a map and tried to orient myself around the Harvard campus, which anyone would agree is a bit of a maze. However, my attempts at reading a map proved to be useless and my intuitions have left me even farther from my destination. I had to resort to the painful task of asking for directions. I hate asking for directions! Even after two attempts of very ambiguous instructions, I finally looked up into the sky and saw a huge sign with big red letters spelling out my destination.

The first couple of minutes of the course was spent introducing ourselves in an attempt to help our teacher remember our names. More than half of the class was part of the Harvard Extension Program and they were all very very proud of it.

A word about the Harvard Extension Program:
The Harvard Extension Program is a two year Post-Bachelor Program designed for students who have not taken the Pre-Med requirements because they just realized after graduation that they want to be a doctor. Or for those who tried to take the Pre-Reqs and have realized it would butcher their GPA. So look at it how you want but basically its either for those who couldn't handle the Pre-Reqs during their undergrad or for those who have had a momentary epiphany about the wonders of becoming a doctor.

So, on that note, the students of said program would introduce themselves as students of "the College" and initially I did not realize what college they were referring to. I did not realize that the being part of the an extension program was such a popular occurrence but apparently it is. As each one of them stated their name and their affiliation with Harvard, each one named a specialty they wanted to work in. How in the world did they know they want to be a pediatrician, a gastroenterologist, a surgeon, cardiologist, an oncologist, etc.? I mean they just recently realized that they want to be a physician while I have known this ever since I have start my prep courses(since 8th grade) and I still have not the slightest idea of what I want to do or more importantly what I will be good at. But maybe thats just me.

The first hour of the class went over the breakdown of test, things not to do, things to avoid, etc. The entire time I was thinking, if only I had put more time into it, I would not be here right now. Everyone was taking such careful notes about how many questions each section has, how much time you have for each question, what you should get on each section and how we should practice, practice, practice! And then it was brought up. How many people have taken the first diagnostic test?

Ahh, yes. The diagnostic test that everyone took eagerly to see where they stood and by how much they need to improve. They all nodded their head in agreement as I stirred uncomfortably in my seat. Yes, I took that test. It was pure torture going through the physics section, trying to stir up the distant past and the knowledge that I once had such easy access to. I felt like I was going through withdrawal, withdrawal of knowledge that is. My brain was cringing with the most uncomfortable pain and I developed the dullest headache I could possibly have. I could not sit still because the only thing that I wanted to do was quit. But I knew that I had to sit through this uncomfortable pain, to get through it so I can get my diagnostic score. The rating of just how little I remember after a year of removing myself from the MCAT world.

I am ready to relearn and memorize and apply and practice and reapply and take as many of those tests as I have to. You wouldn't be very far off to guess that my diagnostic score was awful and I need to work twice as hard. One of the things that I believe was deterring me from these daily activities was a lack of clearheadedness. Now as much as I enjoy taking part in social activities such as drinking and smoking, I am starting to realize that in order to maintain a clear mind I will have to sacrifice these very dear things for the remainder of the time. Perhaps, I will take up board games.

El Proposito

2008-02-01T10:29:00.001-08:00

As an initial skeptic of all things blog, I would never in my right mind use blogging in a sort of resourceful way or think that becoming a blogger will ever help me achieve the numerous goals I have set out for myself to achieve. One of these near impossible goals is passing the MCATS*. So how in the world, you might ask, turning to the blogging world for help is supposed to accomplish this defeatist task?

I AM DESPERATE.

A medical school admissions candidate is supposed to take the MCATS once and obtain a perfect score, 45. The average score of admitted candidates is 30. I got a 23. So I'm hanging by the last thread and have set out to do what no other person has done before.

GOAL: Turn my 23 into a 32 when I take my second crack at this puta maldita exam on May 23.

Now as any intelligent person might take note of the fact pointed out just three lines above, "supposed to take the MCATS once," so what does the phrase "supposed to" really mean in the Medical Admissions Committee language(at which I am damn near fluent by now)? It means it is frowned upon to take the MCATS twice and not recommended. The way that an admissions committee reviews applications is through several automatic screening tests. One of those tests filters out all of the candidates who do not have a GPA of at least 3.5 and an MCAT score of at least 30**. The second screening process looks at how many candidates were able to obtain a score of at least 30 the first time around and how many degenerates had to take it more than once. So now they are two piles, one pure genius strain of medical school candidates and the other not so pure, tainted with that first bad score, which the admissions committee will make a feeble attempt to evaluate and strain very hard to see the beauty in the imperfection.

With that said, one can obviously tell which pile I will be thrown into that is if I make it through the first screening process.

So here I start my quest to get through the filtering process and one day, billions and billions of years away, become a physician.

*MCATs- Medical College Admissions Test, ie my worst nightmare.

**There are rare exceptions depending on the academic integrity the school is trying to uphold.